yoga

The Missing Missives ~

What started out as a series of letters, thoughts and sentiments of deep missing of the presence of my dad turned into a lot of pages of a lot of words.. Conversations with my late father has become a long and windy tale of topics I know he would have taken a huge interest in and has helped me really look at who he was, what it is to miss, and the new relationship that we now have.

Today is the birthday of Sigmeud Freud, and although he is controversial in many ways, there was an exchange I read today with Albert Einstein that I think might be worth reading::

In 1933, Albert Einstein was invited by the Institute for Intellectual Cooperation to exchange ideas about war with a "thinker of his choice," and although he didn't believe in psychoanalysis, he chose Freud, opening his letter with "I greatly admire your passion to ascertain the truth — a passion that has come to dominate all else in your thinking."

Freud responded: "I expected you to choose a problem lying on the borderland of the knowable, as it stands today, a theme which each of us, physicist and psychologist, might approach from his own angle, to meet at last on common ground, though setting out from different premises. Thus the question which you put me — what is to be done to rid mankind of the war menace? — took me by surprise. ... But then I realized that you did not raise the question in your capacity of scientist or physicist, but as a lover of his fellow men." After a long discussion of aggression, he concluded: "How long have we to wait before the rest of men turn pacifist? Impossible to say, and yet perhaps our hope that these two factors — man's cultural disposition and a well-founded dread of the form that future wars will take — may serve to put an end to war in the near future, is not chimerical. But by what ways or byways this will come about, we cannot guess. Meanwhile we may rest on the assurance that whatever makes for cultural development is working also against war."

Their exchange was published as a pamphlet, "Why War?" in 1933.

~

For the last 7 or 8 years I’ve done a lot of continued education on trauma because it was showing up so frequently both in my somatic work and coaching and I wanted to be well versed in best practices. Today I was doing a course on Moral Injury and what distinguishes it from PTSD and other forms of trauma. It was interesting to learn the things that are actually contraindicated for this sort of trauma that would otherwise be used with PTSD. This appears frequently for people engaged in combat, more likely if there is a loss of life at the other end, despite modern medicine’s best efforts, it is found in medical settings, and of course, sexual assault. But it also exists in more subtle and nuanced ways and can injure a person in ways they are not completely conscious of.

Everyone’s edge for moral injury is different.

My grandfather on my paternal side was a victim of moral injury after working as a pilot for the Navy in World War 2. He went from being a fun loving, gregarious, music making, wife adoring, family man, to someone shut down, out of reach and deeply depressed. Dad lost his dad when he was 10 years old and with 3 younger siblings to suicide.

I bring these uncomfortable truths to the surface now because I have a sense we are on the brink of a deeply injured society if we don’t look at some of the far-reaching effects of war and what we might do to ward against injury.

The smaller incidents of going against what one values in their soul creates a disconnect and can snowball into self-loathing or greater and greater forms of dissociation that result in further injury because one becomes so disconnected to the present moment that there is compounded injury as they operate in ways that are far from their core truth.

The question of moral injury revolves around personal values. It is a question of who and what you feel responsible for. It is so easy in a culture of rugged individualists to bubble up and live our lives without awareness of what is happening around the globe or even down he street for that matter. And certainly we have to practice good boundaries and have understanding of our personal capacity, but the culture of the US is far from connected and collectively supportive, and I feel that so acutely from my Mexican vantage point, where the exact opposite is true.

Right now as I write this, there are bombs targeting the one safe zone in Rafah where over 610,000 children are sheltering.

Watching the bombs go off in a place that I know is holding that many children and not writing anything would create injury in me, I know that.

For me I value standing up for the underprivileged and those without a voice. I believe in supporting the most vulnerable among us, I believe in preserving culture and history, I believe in investigating racism and inequity and to use my preivlege to highlight injustice and create connection and beauty. But above all else—— Above all else I believe in keeping the children safe.

We all have our part and beautiful expression and that is also the case for morality and its various hues- and in a functional society, this is acknowledged and celebrated.

Values are formed in many ways. I was certainly modeled this sort of caregiving (see the link below to a post I did about my dad and the ways he gave to the community). My grandmother also stayed overnight in the local homeless shelter well into her 80 years.among many other things like serving on the school board and giving continuously with her time and dollars. My mom also volunteered for numerous causes often with a babe strapped to her belly and for hours on end (she sent me a list of the organizations she volunteered for because I asked her about it today and I was floored!).

In addition to upbringing I’ve been influenced by my work. When you work in circles of women - you can feel the battle cry of the feminine web - I still remember that original video of the Israel women hostages screaming for N to stop firing and to release Palestinian hostages so they would also be released. That was almost 6 months ago. Israeli mothers and Palestinian mothers alike- I feel you, I hear you.

If you have had an experience with bullying then you can smell one coming from 6,906 miles away.

But probably the thing I believe that makes me most sensitive to these atrocities and injustices is a somatic practice that has me understand the nature of fascia. I have dug into this body time and time again divesting from experience, culture and trauma so that I can know freedom. My body is available and open, my laugh spontaneous, and my tears and gasps bubble up without filter. Is it easy being this way- not always. The great sensitivity I feel for the world is a challenge sometimes and I must continue to search out ways of care, but the ecstasy and the beauty are well worth it (And over the years I have learned to construct masculine forms of containment that allow that flourishing). Not only that, you can feel a tug on one end of the globe just as you do inside your body when there is some sort of adhesion or malailgnment. The things that can be felt and “known” with this level of opening has been incredible- sometimes frightening, often a lot, but with every year, I learn more and more about how to care for her and how she thrives.

Protesting students on campus are also without so much life accumulated and the ethical compass is well attuned. They sense the injustices of this moment in history and are doing an incredible job of voicing that and I am moved by their instinct to avoid further and deep rooted psychological injury.

(If you are only exposed to mainstream media, I encourage you to have a look at some of the boots on ground footage- teach-ins, libraries, body-work, counseling stations.. they are incredible expressions of collective compassion and care and are 99% peaceful which has not been portrayed proportionately when you watch certain outlets).

For me, it is impossible to go along business as usual in moments such as these. I will continue to pray and to practice but I will also use my voice.

And certainly, our expressions of morality and values are all so different and that is, again, the beauty of humanity. But My fear, is that many of us are not speaking for whatever reason. Collectively we will look back as we have on so many other indigenous cultures and peoples that have been extinguished and I don’t think the impact of this can be overstated. The accumulation of missed opportunities- the subtle ones and the large- the little opportunities to speak or stand up can create a bigger numbing machine of a culture that doesn’t care about the well-being of the whole but rather the thriving of a select few and the making of the dollars. And in the long term- this is devastating to the planet and the web of humanity. Our planetary harmony depends on our abilities to find harmony among us.

Indigenous cultures know all about this……

See MM part 2

What is your particular flavor of morality? how does it fit in the mosaic of humanity and what might you offer? These are some of the things we can contemplate and act upon. If writing or using your voice isn’t it, then seek out voices you find inspiring toward collective healing and elevate those. Forward this email to someone you think might appreciate. Make that art piece, learn that corner of history, volunteer for that cause… whatever it may be.

Tonight I am crying and writing. I am devastated for the bombing of our children and the justification of it. Grief and awareness of that emotion is part of what keeps us from having the deep moral injury that results in further and further separation- inside of ourselves and the collective.

I pray for us all tonight. May we find the web. May we divest from the trauma in our bones that leads to retaliation and racism and may we serve in honor of love and nature. Lofty thoughts? Maybe. But these were the values of the great leaders throughout history who were standing up against oppression- Gandhi, Martin Luther, Nelson Mandela, and Jesus himself.

On holocaust Remembrance Day, I am sad for all the lives lost and the families effected generations down the line. I am sad for the lives of Palestinians lost and how this will effect so many generations of both Palestinians and Israelis- and all of us for that matter. I am sad that the trauma is only perpetrated with aggressive retaliation and defensiveness.

I am sad for you dad, that you didn’t have a dad for the majority of your life due to the effects of war.

I am sad that I haven’t one for a huge part of mine.

I am sad about the war-mind that we will be healing collectively far into the future and an inability of leadership to understand that.

But I have huge hope in the people and the grassroots awakening I feel underfoot and see in so many of you around me.

With a missing heart,

Xo JHo

Image one:
Click here for post about tribute to my dad.

Image two:
Huichol Art- HEALING OF SELF & COMMUNITY
The art and practices of this Mexican tribe are not only concerned with the health of the individual, but also with the health of the entire community. This includes all people, plants, animals, and all of life.