Bday Reflections~

This was was my yesterday ✨

(.. to proclaim wider and deeper inside and further afield….. )

Eat sh*# and d**

Sounds pretty harsh right? well, if you came into this world with meconium staining and a cord wrapped around your neck a few times you may have that rattling around the subconscious. 

Meconium staining is when the infant has a bowel movement prematurely, and the child could ingest amniotic fluids filled with excrement. Add a little strangling with the cord that otherwise provides sustenance and your nervous system is cooked. More than that, t’s a matter of life or death. 

Needless to say, I have done birth trauma work for many many years, but this year in particular - especially this last month- things really presented themselves in a way I hadn’t felt or seen.

As is so, often the case, our healing journey can be something of a spiral. This last year of living was not a piece of cake. For whatever reason, Life had me revisit (sometimes quite literally), unearth, and excavate past traumas- recreating similar scenarios, it plucked all the strings of original pain and it wasn’t easy. All of my deepest wounds were brought to the service for examination.  

We all have these files stored away from a lifetime. But as this one of birth- the original trauma - spiraled around again this last month or so, I really got to look at it and I saw just how much I have always thought I was on the brink of death on some level. 

But the spirit (impulse of life thing) is tenacious. 

Today on this day of my birth, I want to reroute a blueprint- yes life is precious, but maybe I am not soooo precious. 

Last weekend I studied Cranio Sacral principles and came into an embodied understanding of being held by the midline. Not just finding it and feeling it, but being held BY it. As I really dropped in and surrendered to a sense of feeling held, I saw how much I was holding on. Really white knuckling this thing called life. During the retreat, I called it the mother. It wasn’t until a couple days after I got home that I realized it was really the divine masculine. The unwavering unconditional containment- without which, we abandon ourselves. This isn’t a reference point that I have and so it is constantly a building. There are so many times- and I don’t consider myself different from most of us (and certainly I have held space for women who have undergone far worse)- when life and love seemed judgmental, conditional, cruel, and just not there. When our stuctures of safety and support were wobbly at best. And it is so deep. These things form a blueprint that affects our everything. Often times unconsciously. So often in our busy lives, we have become desensitized to those places that are crying, wanting, barricaded off from receiving all of life and love because they don’t feel safe. 
And so they become some strange behavior or way of checking out.

But I am seeing more. Wanting more. Loving more.

On this day of birth, I have a message :

Julia, I Julia love you now more than ever before. I will never leave or abandon you. I am here to celebrate. All that is joyous and good, and all that is hard. I will weather the storm no matter what comes. We will wade through any swamp and soar through any sky together because you are the one that I love. You are love. You are life. And you are stronger than all that. Even that part of me that got syphoned off and has tried to take me out- I love you for you. All of you.  

Maybe one of these days I will get it through my thick skull that I am not taking my last breath and that I am worthy of all the love. I’m calling that day today. I think this year that has been winding through the dog-eared pain-pages of my biography have been actually allowing me not just to do something different, because lord knows I didn’t always do that, but to presence things in that way that the divine masculine does so beautifully. It gave me a chance to show up for a thing in ways I never had. Not only have I learned how to be a kick-ass inner mother to my inner child in all these practices, I have learned how to activate my inner king when the rubber really meets the road. And that, it feels, makes all the difference. 

I am so grateful for all my pain points. They have taught be so much, forced me to learn, to alchemize and have really helped me be a better advocate for women.

Thank you circles of women. Thank you to those men that hold unbelievably wide and deep space. Thank you Yoga-  never have I encountered anything that allowed me to both unearth and hold and find my power in the face of. And the thing that teaches me about the midline every single day.

Thank YOU for witnessing me and helping me choose the biggest version of life and love. 

I am here for it. 

So eat that (lovingly), universe ;)

Love wins, Life wins 🤍